I have just found my way back home after a trip to the British Isles and have decided to share my recently gained knowledge on how to survive in England, for your benefit. To make easy reading I have posted the following in bullet points.
- Talk about the weather.
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are introduced to a Britisher and then left alone, do not panic if you have nothing to say. Look out of the window and gaze at the sky with a contemplative expression. Rub your chin if necessary. Then say "Hmmm, looks like it might turn to rain soon." Your companion's eyes will immediately sparkle and there will follow a lengthy and informative discourse on the climatic conditions of the area for the past eight weeks. At the end of it, you will find yourself being showered with invitiations to the pub and would have made a friend for life.
- Never accept a compliment gracefully.
If your British boss praises your work, never take credit for it. Become embarrassed, shuffle your feet, turn red in the face and look at the floor. Say it was nothing, cite the circumstances being extremely favourable and play down your achievement. This will please him immensley and you will soon be first in line for that promotion.
- Talk about the Empire benefitting your nation.
Say this in a tone of admiration"Oh British rule was the best thing that could ever have happened to our country. Of course, all our money drained to Britain, our industries died, people were killed and the Kohinoor diamond was stolen. But does all that really matter when the British gave us railways? What an amazing country!" Before you know it, you will be plied with beer and surrounded by friendly English faces nodding and smiling in agreement.
- Comment on how expensive things are in England.
Verbally abuse the government in power and blame it for the high cost of living in the country. Then hold your audience spellbound with tales of how cheap things are in India. Exaggerate as much as possible. "I can't believe this pair of shoes costs 50 pounds. In India three pairs will only cost me 7 pence" Their wonder and amazement will be a constant source of merriment and entertainment for the remainder of your stay.
- Make fun of the French.
Make up jokes involving the French President/ football team/rugby team/citizens/landmarks/language/cities/appearance/etc. This will elevate you to iconic status amongst your British peers.
Upon religiously following the above guidelines you will find yourself much liked and extremely popular with your British colleagues and will have an exceedingly pleasant stay.
Until next time, Cheerio.
